Have You Been Loving the Right Way…or the Reactive Way?
How love and respect saved our marriage—and how we still spin the wheel now and then
When two people get married, they don’t just merge furniture—they merge lives. And with those lives come differing definitions of “normal.”
I grew up on a big farm, where work wasn’t just something you did—it was who you were. Karen grew up in town, with one brother and a very different rhythm. I was used to doing things myself. She was used to a different kind of support system.
Add to that a retail schedule that had me running on fumes most nights, and you’ve got a recipe for... well, let’s just call it an “adjustment period.” I’d come home, exhausted from being on my feet all day, and just want to crash. She’d want to talk or connect. And I’d look at her with all the energy of a potato chip that’s been stepped on.
It wasn’t that we didn’t love each other. We just had different expectations, different experiences. And over time, if you’re not careful, those experiences starts to stack up like a leaning tower of unmet needs and missed signals.
Enter: The Crazy Cycle™
At some point early on, our church group started a study called Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.
Ironically, I led it. (Because nothing says “qualified” like working through your own dysfunction with a laser pointer and a handout.)
The core idea hit us both like a lightbulb to the face:
Most men desire respect above all else.
Most women desire love above all else.
When a man feels disrespected, he tends to withhold love.
When a woman feels unloved, she tends to withhold respect.
And thus begins what Eggerichs calls: The Crazy Cycle.
The moment we read that, I thought, My parents lived this.
And once you see it, you can’t unsee it. It was everywhere. In our families. In our fights. In ourselves.
Yep, We’ve Spun That Wheel
I still remember a moment when Karen brought up concerns about my job. What she was trying to say was, “I feel uncertain. I don’t feel secure.”
But what I heard was, “You’re failing your family.”
I felt disrespected. So I got defensive. My voice rose. Her heart shut down. And before we knew it, we were digging up old arguments like emotional archaeologists.
That’s The Crazy Cycle. Round and round it goes.
You start from a real place of fear or pain—and instead of turning toward each other, you pull away, or worse, you launch missiles.
We weren’t fighting each other. We were fighting to feel seen.
Changing the Conversation
That study gave us new language. We started saying things like, “I’m coming from a place of goodwill.” We began clarifying instead of assuming. And giving each other the benefit of the doubt? That became a regular habit.
We overcommunicated.
If I felt disrespected, I said so—and why.
If she felt unloved, she said so—and why.
And slowly, we began fighting with each other instead of against each other. That’s a big difference.
The Little Things Still Matter
There’s no job in our house that’s beneath me. I wash dishes. I do laundry. I cook. I clean. I still hate dishes with the fire of a thousand suns, but I do them, because I love her.
And she shows me respect in ways she knows I need. She thanks me—genuinely—for working hard, for staying committed, for being present. She reminds me I’m not just a husband—I’m her husband.
I’ve told her I need assurance. So she gives it.
That’s love. That’s respect.
And that’s what it looks like when two people decide to grow up together instead of growing apart.
We Still Catch Ourselves
After 25 years, we know the warning signs.
I’ll tell her when I’m frustrated—but make sure she knows it’s not at her.
She gives me room to vent—because she knows it’s not about her.
She tells me when she’s burnt out, and I do what I can to relieve the load.
We even have a look. That married-people look that says, “Hey... we’re doing the thing again. Let’s not.”
The Crazy Cycle hasn’t vanished.
But now, we can throw a wrench in it before it gains momentum.
One Final Word of Advice
If one of our kids asked us the secret to a lasting marriage, here’s what I’d say:
Make your wife feel like you love her more than anyone and anything.
Make your husband feel like he’s the standard other men should be measured by.
Do that, and they just might live into it.
Because you can’t control another person.
You can only control how you love.
And sometimes?
The best way to show love... is by doing the dishes.
Even if you hate them.
(P.S. If you’re curious about the Love and Respect study by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, you can check out loveandrespect.com. Not an ad—just a resource that helped us.)